Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

Immelman’s Steely Nerves Win Masters

Trevor Immelman's swing has been compared to Ben Hogan by one of golf's great players, Gary Player, a three-time Masters Champion.

There is another quality Immelman shares with Hogan that until Sunday at Augusta National Golf Club probably had not received enough attention.

Hogan, also a Masters Champion, was recognized as golf's Wee Ice Mon for his steely nerves. Immelman demonstrated over 72 holes at Augusta National that he has the same kind of determination and cool demeanor.

Immelman shot a final-round 75 Sunday for a 280 total, eight-under-par, and a three-shot victory over four-time Champion Tiger Woods. It is the highest final round score by a winner since Arnold Palmer shot 75 in 1962.

Immelman made it look easy at times, but everybody knows winning the Masters certainly is anything but. He showed resolve and perseverance at every turn. When he needed to hit a key shot or make a clutch putt to ward off challengers, he did. It was quite a display of golf.

Immelman underwent surgery last December 18 to remove a non-cancerous tumor lodged beneath his ribs. He didn't touch a golf club for six weeks and then only was allowed to hit a few pitches and chips.

Now, less than four months later, he is at the pinnacle.

"I made a pretty fast recovery, got back out on tour eager to play, but my game wasn't quite there," he said. "I wasn't happy with the way I was playing. I felt I had to start from zero again. Here I am after missing the cut last week Masters Champion. It's the craziest thing I've ever heard of."

Immelman knew the conditions would be difficult, with a blowing, swirling wind.

"It was a tough day out there," Immelman said. "I knew it was going to be tough out there for us and I knew I had to stick to my game plan, play one shot at a time, and just be tough. I'm proud of myself for doing that.

"This has been the ultimate roller coaster ride and I hate roller coasters."

Two American challengers with six Masters titles between them - Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson - were poised to challenge Immelman but came up short.

They shot even-par 72 in the final round. Woods was runner-up by three shots; Mickelson finished at 286, six strokes behind the winner.

"I just didn't quite have it this week," Woods said. "I didn't make the putts I needed to make this entire week."

Mickelson, winner in 2004 and 2006, posted three rounds at par or better, including a second-round 68. His inability to play the par 3s with efficiency was costly. He made double-bogey and bogey the final two rounds at the 16th hole. He also had two bogeys each at the par-3 sixth and 12th holes.

"I hit two good shots today and made bogeys on four and 16, putting them in a tough spot and three-putting," Mickelson said. "Another three feet and the ball could have rolled down and I could have had a good opportunity (for birdie) both times. Some of it might have been play but some of it might have just been unfortunate."

Mickelson's most unfortunate break came at the par-5 eighth hole during Saturday's third round. His third shot hit the flagstick and caromed away. Instead of a short birdie putt, he three-putted. His charge had ended and try as he might, there was little he could do in the final round.

"I was hoping to make more of a run than I did," Mickelson said. "But it was a tough day and I felt like I had to fight pretty hard to keep it around par. But I certainly had some chances that could have brought it lower. It just doesn't look like it would have been enough anyway.

"I thought I struck the ball pretty well this week and it's encouraging that playing the majors I'm striking the ball better than probably I ever have. My chipping came around this week. It hasn't been where I wanted it."

Vartan Kupelian is the golf writer at The Detroit News.

Greenbrier course in White Sulphur Springs, W.V. to host Sam Snead Festival, Tom Watson Fall Golf Classic

This year, The Greenbrier golf course in White Sulphur Springs, W.V. will offer two legendary golf tournaments, the Sam Snead Festival and the Tom Watson Fall Golf Classic. These three-day and two-day Pro-Am tournaments played on The Greenbrier’s three championship courses are designed to honor and celebrate two of America’s greatest golfers, Sam Snead and Tom Watson. These legendary golf getaways will be offered July 13 – 17 and September 7 – 10, respectively.

Also, new for Junior Golfers, all three of The Greenbrier's championship courses are now home to Junior Tees. Yellow (US Kids Personal) tee markers have been set throughout and special junior scorecards are available. Each course will play at approximately 4000 yards, which is 1000 yards shorter than the red tees. The shorter course not only offers an opportunity for younger players, but also beginners of all ages.

For more information, see www.greenbrier.com.